Antihero Complex

How can you be two people at once? And not in a superhero sense, or having two jobs, or even one job plus being a mother or father. I mean, how can you be one type of person and yet act completely the opposite half the time. Being fully aware that you are going against the grain of your other being, doing something completely wrong in the eyes of others and even yourself, and yet still do it. Still be it and behave in that manner.

I guess an example of that would be the alcoholic mother who would chop off her right arm to save the life of her children but also steals from her daughter's piggy bank to support her scotch habit. Or the charity worker who spends days, nights, weekends, holidays to help the homeless, the abused, and the less fortunate, but he hates his own mother with such a venom that no one can convince him to see the situation from her perspective. At least try.

Or me, the good, sweet, kind, generous, nice, understanding, conscious, moral, ethical me, who lies to her husband and friends about binging and purging. Who says that she's doing fine and on the road to recovery, when in reality, she doesn't want to admit that she's not that strong and not always that healthy. Me, who doesn't want to waste money, always likes to clip coupons, comments on the price of things, and then will spend her and her husband's money vicariously to support her binge habit and lie about the entire thing.

Which person am I? I know I'm both. I mean, I know I'm not any more complex than all the other people on this planet who's trying to figure out the meaning of their life and who they really are and what they want to be. But what gets me, is how can I consciously do both things, be both things, and still continue as if I don't have a huge chasm in the center of my soul and all the demons that pour out of the yawning gap are steering the ship. Because really, aren't those demons also me? How can I blame the demons when I made the demons, when I conjured up whatever shitty past or convoluted thought and birthed these maniacal stealing thieving, eating, puking demons and then lay the blame on them and hope I can walk away without any responsibility on my hands. Let's face it, I always had control. I might have been out of control, but the control was still in my hands whether it was going batshitcrazy or not. I had a choice. Whether I couldn't see my other options or felt they weren't going to help, I still chose to act the way I did, do the things I did, say the lies I said. It was completely up to me and on my hands.