Rejoice and Regret

We're supposed to let go of grudges. But how do I do that if they stain?

I'm the worst at laundry. I only started separating colors when I got married, only because there were more clothes so it made logical sense when dividing piles. Delicates? That's just a state of mind. Handwash? My ass. I'd only discover a stain after I washed a shirt and by then it was too late. I mean, I'd still try to wear it, maybe it didn't look too bad, no one would notice. But then I'd look in the mirror and it was like I had been eating grease for lunch and it all dripped down my front. How could I get rid of it? Perish the thought of actually throwing the shirt away. Because god damnit I liked the shirt, liked the cut, how would I ever find another shirt just like it, that felt the same, fit the same, made me feel the way I did, and now there's a nasty locked-in stain and how do I let go?

Story of my life.

Listening to Pema Chodron, she says regret is not the same as guilt. I get it. But I have a hard time actually absorbing that into my brain so that it will actually function that way. I can't even remember the last time I regretted something. Guilt, on the other hand, when have I not felt guilty. Do I actually believe that it will be possible for me to regret all the food I ate but not feel guilty? It almost seems impossible. I don't know what it would feel like. I imagine it would be like a thought that's concrete, no ifs ands or buts. It would sit in my head, clear, concise, and straightforward. I would acknowledge it the way I'd acknowledge a stop sign when driving. I would pause. Be present, pay attention to my surrounds, exist in the moment, heed the circumstances, and then move on.

My god, how many times have I ran a stop sign or didn't even notice it at all?

I'm getting better at rejoicing in my past. Seeing where I've come from and who I am now. And I've gotten better at not regressing to the past or combing over it and imagining "what if" scenarios. I'm not so tied down to praying for a rewind and recording over it with new decisions, new events. I'm also getting better at not praying to hit the stop button and throwing the whole tape in the trash, since we're on the subject.

It's hard to forgive. I don't expect to forget, but the forgiving...ouch. That's hard.

I'm supposed to be working on Hulk right now. Supposed to be, what does that mean? I'm supposed to be doing a lot of things.

It's hard to think right now, about words that sound right, about words that will be read, judged, understood or misunderstood. They're just words, I know. Little letters, symbols, sounds from the tongue and throat. But oh god, they hurt sometimes. To say and hear.

Words. They're just words.