Lemon Sponge

I had cake for lunch today. With cubes of papaya on the side. Woo-hoo for me! Sadly true. And truly sad, either one works if you want to look at it that way.

It was good though. What if I did it every day? So what, right? But really, what if I did it every day? I'm not a celebrity so it's not like anyone's taking pictures of me to be smeared on the cover of Star or Popsugar. But what if? Would it be gross? Would it be, forgive me for saying this, would it be unhealthy? Or is the idea just gross? And does everyone have the same idea or who really cares? Obviously the courageously true answer is who gives a shit, but the problem is that parts of me give a shit about who gives a shit although I'm not exactly sure who those who's are.

So yeah. I ate cake for lunch and there's still a whole cake left minus my today's lunch.

We'll see what happens.

Purging

So yeah, this is where I've been purging a lot of my anger and dialogue and guilt and spinning around in my head thoughts. I kind of hope no one's reading this because then it's like the grapevine will come wrapping itself back around to me and will I get in trouble?

Oh well, that's the repercussion that I'll have to take if it comes to that. It's easier to type than it is to write nowadays. Where did my hand strength go to? Down the drain with a lot of my other capabilities. I know I could gain it back, but right now it's not much of a priority.

Sigh. Where to go and what to do. So I pound the little black plastic squares on my laptop and conjure up letters, words, sentences and spin them out into the ether to be lost unless I feel like retrieving them. I don't really. Getting it out in the moment is more satisfying, I think. I haven't really tried to look back much. Isn't that what free-writing is about?

Today was a good day otherwise. I've made good choices so far even if they weren't hugely amazing. One day, hour, minute at a time. So the saying goes.

How goes it? That's another saying. Pretty well. Not completely well, or a well completeness, but somewhere around there in the middle on the edge or thereabouts.

Evolution

No, you are not more evolved. If you were, you'd be able to handle what's going on without as much struggle as you are. If you were more evolved, you wouldn't be complaining that you didn't have anyone to go to. You are not more evolved. Saying that you are only states that you are close-minded and conceited which is one of the reasons I can't get my words into your head. Which is why you keep on saying the same storyline (your phrase) over and over again even though I've tried as kindly and gently and honestly as I can to tell you what I really feel and am doing.

Yes your are arrogant. You admit it and so of course take pride in it. That's why you aren't able to have any humility and see things from another perspective. Yet another thing you claim you can do. I know you can do this, but you don't do it as often as you think you do. I know because you've squashed my shoes many times instead of trying them on to see how they feel. Some times you don't even bother to squash them, you just assume I'm not even wearing any shoes so you don't even consider the possibility of stepping into one of my pairs.

Anyways. The opposite of anger is patience. And no, I'm not shutting down (your storyline). Some times it's better to say nothing to you at the moment because you'll explode, which yes, you have done before and in front of my family.

And yes, you did tell me twice in the past several months that you haven't been smoking. I never asked, but you offered the information when we were talking about your friend's smoking. I don't know if it was a guilt-induced statement so that you wouldn't have to answer a direct question or you were trying to convince yourself that you weren't, but you lied to me too. I forgive you because I understand what it's like to be in that position. But you denied that you ever lied to me. And this is a lie too. Admit it. It takes some humility but you could use the practice.

Forever, Finite, Finale, Fin

No one reads this, which is both liberating and slightly pathetic. But I guess it's easier this way, then to have all these weighted accusatory angry petty words lurking on my desktop or hibernating in folders tucked away next to Documents or Application. They might breed, infest, and overtake my computer and then what will I do with my Hulu or Netflix?

Okay, I need to write or express something. Better than the havoc that's spilling out from other places and other things that I do. If I can't create, at least I can get out some crap in a less hurtful way that has less repercussions than lying and deceit. And evil food habits.

Oops, okay, I did it again. It's not evil, it just is what it is. A cry for help, a song for salvation, a melody for assistance, tunes for those who might lend a hand for this poor unfortunate soul. Ah. I loved the Little Mermaid when it first came out from Disney. 8th or 9th grade maybe? Yeah, that dates me but so what. I had harmless and sparkling dreams and aspirations back then. Let those sleeping dogs lie peacefully.

It's been, what, almost three years since I created this blog. And let's face it again, I forgot about it. It lingered on the edge of my mind but in all seriousness, I thought it was gone, disappeared, engulfed and swallowed by the World Wide Web. I don't know if it's wonderful or scary that it's still here - all freakin' 15 posts that I had no recollection that I wrote. Maybe it's wonderfully scary, but not completely scarily wonderful. Amazing all the same. But not necessarily filled with grace.

I ask for forgiveness, but don't expect to receive it. I don't even know if I deserve it, but that's another loaded topic to broach on another day when I feel the need to unload and purge my misery on to no one but this tiny blog floating in the ether. Yet again amazingly graceless, or rather gracelessly amazing.

Antihero Complex

How can you be two people at once? And not in a superhero sense, or having two jobs, or even one job plus being a mother or father. I mean, how can you be one type of person and yet act completely the opposite half the time. Being fully aware that you are going against the grain of your other being, doing something completely wrong in the eyes of others and even yourself, and yet still do it. Still be it and behave in that manner.

I guess an example of that would be the alcoholic mother who would chop off her right arm to save the life of her children but also steals from her daughter's piggy bank to support her scotch habit. Or the charity worker who spends days, nights, weekends, holidays to help the homeless, the abused, and the less fortunate, but he hates his own mother with such a venom that no one can convince him to see the situation from her perspective. At least try.

Or me, the good, sweet, kind, generous, nice, understanding, conscious, moral, ethical me, who lies to her husband and friends about binging and purging. Who says that she's doing fine and on the road to recovery, when in reality, she doesn't want to admit that she's not that strong and not always that healthy. Me, who doesn't want to waste money, always likes to clip coupons, comments on the price of things, and then will spend her and her husband's money vicariously to support her binge habit and lie about the entire thing.

Which person am I? I know I'm both. I mean, I know I'm not any more complex than all the other people on this planet who's trying to figure out the meaning of their life and who they really are and what they want to be. But what gets me, is how can I consciously do both things, be both things, and still continue as if I don't have a huge chasm in the center of my soul and all the demons that pour out of the yawning gap are steering the ship. Because really, aren't those demons also me? How can I blame the demons when I made the demons, when I conjured up whatever shitty past or convoluted thought and birthed these maniacal stealing thieving, eating, puking demons and then lay the blame on them and hope I can walk away without any responsibility on my hands. Let's face it, I always had control. I might have been out of control, but the control was still in my hands whether it was going batshitcrazy or not. I had a choice. Whether I couldn't see my other options or felt they weren't going to help, I still chose to act the way I did, do the things I did, say the lies I said. It was completely up to me and on my hands.

Just really pissed off

Okay, now I'm pissed. I ask for something, not in a greedy sense, at least I don't think so. Just a wish, a want, a fantasy that would be great if it came alive. And I'm not talking ponies and castles, but a simple night out, to an event that I want to go see.

And he says okay, that while he can't justify spending money on it, if we invite two people, then it makes more sense to him. Not that I don't deserve it, he says, mind you, but let's invite these two. And I say, okay, that'd be great, I like them, spending time with them, getting to know them more...

Then he asks other two people that I wouldn't really want there. I am selfish. I am immature. But now I'm pissed.

Granted, these people can't go, as it turns out. But he didn't ask me. And should he have? I don't know. What's the etiquette? Now that I agreed to these two people, should I assume that these other two people are fair game as well? I should note that they're all related. I get it, that makes things sticky, makes things more complicated. There's probably no real way to determine what's right or wrong, what a person should expect or not expect....but why am I so angry? Feeling like something was taken out of my hands. Something that I thought was already decided in lieu of what I had asked for.

So yeah, I'm probably asking too much. Too much of everything. Of anything. So is this when I need to speak up? I'll only frustrate him more, I know it. Not that I know it all, far from it. But history has shown that it would be bad news to tell him. So I have to sit. With this anger. This pissed-off-ness. And somehow cope in a healthy way with what just happened.

Get out of my head. Get out of it and breathe and be in the present.

Okay. Fine. I'll try.

Straying from the habit

It's been a long time since I've written. But maybe for some good reasons as I've been writing more on my graphic novel idea. It's good to feel inspired and motivated to work on something I feel good about, at least most of the time. Of course, other reasons I haven't posted my diatribes and ramblings is that I haven't been making use of this blog as a healthy coping skill. Yes, I do sound as if I'm writing straight out of a self-help book. But let's face it, some of those books get published for a reason and frankly, things have been a lot better since I've been shelling out money for some good therapy. A stint in a mental institution also probably helped. Those places don't just get built for kicks. And no, I'm not joking about anything I just wrote, it's the truth. I do spend a lot of time in therapy, and not by choice. And yes, I have been in what you might describe as a rehab situation. I guess all rehabilitation centers are places where you can heal and learn better ways to deal with the stresses of life. And especially better ways to deal with your own self. Meaning me, myself and I. And just in case anyone does actually stumble onto this blog and read this, there are wonderful beautiful strong people in those centers. Some of the bravest and sincere people I've ever met have been from there. I'm lucky to know them.

Anyhow, one of the reasons I'm writing is because I'm peeved from this past Halloween. Let's face it again, the idea of Halloween has always been fun. How can it not be? I have lots of good memories of Halloween from when I was a kid, parties that I've gone to while in school, and I met my soon-to-be husband around Halloween and his family goes ALL OUT. I normally hate writing in all caps, but this was the only way I could get across how intense their Halloweens are. First time I met his whole family was at a Halloween party they were having, with a band, catered food, outrageous costumes, the works. Then I got to participate in their homemade, but very professionally-designed, haunted mazes they would build at my brother-in-law's house. First time was fun, it was brand new, we're still in the throes of early relationship, I was just getting to know people, lots of laughter, kisses, tingling sensations....

Well, now let's fast-forward to several more years in marriage. The haunted maze is exhausting to build, a lot of frustration was surrounding it last year because some people weren't helping out, not enough people came by, no one advertised it. Not to mention some of the rude spoiled kids around. And then there's the piece about "what do the wives and significant others do while their boy-partners play spooky house?" Well, we either help out with the maze and deal with annoying kids, or we sit in the house around some food and talk soccer-mom talk ( I really apologize about this generalization but a large part of the conversation is about people's kids, the sports they play, their school, their competition, etc. And you know what? I don't have any kids.) Basically we wait. Wait until the night is over, kids stop coming by the trick-or treat, and people get tired, and for the slowing arrow to wind it's way around the clock to 10pm. I swear it takes longer that an hour to make a full circle on Halloween night.

So essentially, what I'm trying to say is that, it's really not fun. For me at least. In fact I've started to dread it the last few years. I wish that I'll get really sick and have to stay home. The whole experience is making me resentful and I know that's really unhealthy for my relationship with my husband, but I'm afraid to speak up because he gets defensive.

I know I need to use my voice, be assertive, and do all that strong self-care stuff. But it's not so easy. And it's really not easy when he complains about it, is exhausted from working so long and hard on it, on top of complaining how tired he is from his normal work, and I want to say, well, you have a choice not to do this haunted house thing so really it's no one's fault that you're tired so please don't be all cranky with me about it.

And it doesn't help that I'm already cranky about the whole thing.

I'm just glad it's over, at least until next year.

And I have one more thing to say. Please, don't tell me how to raise my dog. If I want advice, I'll ask for it. But I never asked for an advice, because I didn't want any. So please, don't tell me how to be with my little girl. What makes some people act like they know how things should be, when really, it's just their opinion?

Sorry, I'm bitter. And resentful and frustrated. I just want to be happy and relaxed. And he tells me that that's all he wants me to be. But then I'm asked to do things that make me unhappy and nervous. And I do them because I know that all relationships are about give and take. But then it gets thrown back in my face when I'm not relaxed about it. Would he rather I lie and pretend?

I'm just tired of tiptoeing. I know most of it's my own responsibility in creating these scenarios. But I'd like to think I'm doing some good work all the same.