It's been a long time since I've written. But maybe for some good reasons as I've been writing more on my graphic novel idea. It's good to feel inspired and motivated to work on something I feel good about, at least most of the time. Of course, other reasons I haven't posted my diatribes and ramblings is that I haven't been making use of this blog as a healthy coping skill. Yes, I do sound as if I'm writing straight out of a self-help book. But let's face it, some of those books get published for a reason and frankly, things have been a lot better since I've been shelling out money for some good therapy. A stint in a mental institution also probably helped. Those places don't just get built for kicks. And no, I'm not joking about anything I just wrote, it's the truth. I do spend a lot of time in therapy, and not by choice. And yes, I have been in what you might describe as a rehab situation. I guess all rehabilitation centers are places where you can heal and learn better ways to deal with the stresses of life. And especially better ways to deal with your own self. Meaning me, myself and I. And just in case anyone does actually stumble onto this blog and read this, there are wonderful beautiful strong people in those centers. Some of the bravest and sincere people I've ever met have been from there. I'm lucky to know them.
Anyhow, one of the reasons I'm writing is because I'm peeved from this past Halloween. Let's face it again, the idea of Halloween has always been fun. How can it not be? I have lots of good memories of Halloween from when I was a kid, parties that I've gone to while in school, and I met my soon-to-be husband around Halloween and his family goes ALL OUT. I normally hate writing in all caps, but this was the only way I could get across how intense their Halloweens are. First time I met his whole family was at a Halloween party they were having, with a band, catered food, outrageous costumes, the works. Then I got to participate in their homemade, but very professionally-designed, haunted mazes they would build at my brother-in-law's house. First time was fun, it was brand new, we're still in the throes of early relationship, I was just getting to know people, lots of laughter, kisses, tingling sensations....
Well, now let's fast-forward to several more years in marriage. The haunted maze is exhausting to build, a lot of frustration was surrounding it last year because some people weren't helping out, not enough people came by, no one advertised it. Not to mention some of the rude spoiled kids around. And then there's the piece about "what do the wives and significant others do while their boy-partners play spooky house?" Well, we either help out with the maze and deal with annoying kids, or we sit in the house around some food and talk soccer-mom talk ( I really apologize about this generalization but a large part of the conversation is about people's kids, the sports they play, their school, their competition, etc. And you know what? I don't have any kids.) Basically we wait. Wait until the night is over, kids stop coming by the trick-or treat, and people get tired, and for the slowing arrow to wind it's way around the clock to 10pm. I swear it takes longer that an hour to make a full circle on Halloween night.
So essentially, what I'm trying to say is that, it's really not fun. For me at least. In fact I've started to dread it the last few years. I wish that I'll get really sick and have to stay home. The whole experience is making me resentful and I know that's really unhealthy for my relationship with my husband, but I'm afraid to speak up because he gets defensive.
I know I need to use my voice, be assertive, and do all that strong self-care stuff. But it's not so easy. And it's really not easy when he complains about it, is exhausted from working so long and hard on it, on top of complaining how tired he is from his normal work, and I want to say, well, you have a choice not to do this haunted house thing so really it's no one's fault that you're tired so please don't be all cranky with me about it.
And it doesn't help that I'm already cranky about the whole thing.
I'm just glad it's over, at least until next year.
And I have one more thing to say. Please, don't tell me how to raise my dog. If I want advice, I'll ask for it. But I never asked for an advice, because I didn't want any. So please, don't tell me how to be with my little girl. What makes some people act like they know how things should be, when really, it's just their opinion?
Sorry, I'm bitter. And resentful and frustrated. I just want to be happy and relaxed. And he tells me that that's all he wants me to be. But then I'm asked to do things that make me unhappy and nervous. And I do them because I know that all relationships are about give and take. But then it gets thrown back in my face when I'm not relaxed about it. Would he rather I lie and pretend?
I'm just tired of tiptoeing. I know most of it's my own responsibility in creating these scenarios. But I'd like to think I'm doing some good work all the same.
